The Curious Case of Johnny D

Johnny D wasn't merely a San Francisco nudist; he was a devout exhibitionist.

Every Sunday, post-church, Johnny D geared up, zoomed up Van Ness on his black Triumph Bonneville T120, a purchase made solely for trips to the nude beach. Once there, he'd shed the leather to relish the views of the Golden Gate Bridge and the unique patterns in the sand like the golden hues of honey, marked by tiny circular dimples left from the currents. Paradise! Each season ushers in a cycle of endings and beginnings, and in San Francisco, every season introduces something new to the scene like waves ordering chaos.

“Another saggy bunch,” said Janus.

Janus, a close friend of Johnny, often teased him about the regulars at the beach. But today, she noticed something different about him. His usual jovial demeanor was replaced by a distant, contemplative look.

“I’m at a crossroads and see that the path to the left leads to hell, that the path to the right leads to hell, that the road straight ahead leads to hell and that if you try to turn around you’ll end up in complete and utter hell,” said Johnny. “Every way leads to hell and there’s no way out, nothing left for me to do.”

“Lure them in with the dirty bits and then serve them a dose of divine wisdom," quipped Janus. “Maybe once you’re ready, you’ll start to discover inside yourself what you always longed for but were never able to find?”

“And if I’m not ready?”

“If you’re not ready you’ll only come to this point when you die. And that won’t be a pretty sight because you’ll still be wanting what you’re no longer able to have.”

“Oh, sounds like a classic Peter Kingsley line, just condensed from a thousand pages!”

—

Johnny D’s Fantastical Dream!

Johnny D wasn’t one to prowl the night; he was more the sleeping beauty type. Typically, around 3am, a peculiar energy would descend, offering him an astral cleanse. It either felt like he was being put through a spiritual furnace or getting a celestial detox. Honestly, he didn’t know. But tonight? He was off to a different kind of dreamland.

He found himself in a vast, ethereal library, where books float and the air shimmers with golden light. At the center stands a woman of unparalleled beauty, her presence radiating divine light and grace. Was he in outer or inner space? Grrr, those damn space aliens, again!

“Is that... could it be... Taylor Swift in a glittering diamond bikini? I’ve always fancied a dream about Taylor in such attire,” Johnny mused, lost in his reverie. “Or are you some kind of daemon?”

He pondered...

She’s the kind of hot that makes you forget you’re playing with fire... until you get burned. And then you want to get burned again and again.

She’s the kind of date you brag about to your friends, but leave out the part where you die and had to Google ‘how to survive a heavenly ride’.

She’s like that beautiful puzzle you can’t resist, even though half the pieces are missing.

They lay there, partially undressed amidst a sea of books, yearning for a connection deeper than the physical. Their lips met, their bodies explored each other, but it was their souls that truly intertwined. They lost themselves in the moment, and Johnny, overwhelmed by the intensity of the energy, found himself drawn in twice in quick succession.

—

“When I woke up, I had a quick look at my boxers, and yep, it wasn’t just a dream,” Johnny shared with Janus. “I promptly upped my contribution to Saint Luke’s, crediting the Holy Spirit. I mean, only Lady Wisdom has ever had that effect on me. Not even my own hand!”

“What do you reckon that mysterious dream signifies?” Janus queried Johnny.

“Gazing towards the beach, I see the waves, the sand, the vast expanse of the ocean, things lost in time - everything in constant motion, ascending, descending. Everywhere I look, it feels like ordered chaos. I’m awake now, yet I can’t grasp what’s unfolding within me. These forces are pulling me in a single direction towards God - the Good - and I fear the end might be near. It could be from lupus hitting the nervous system or perhaps severe arthritis; I can feel the onset like the ocean pulverizing the shore or spirit radiating flesh. Maybe into another wave as a unified whole?”

“So you’re out here preaching about meditation and goodness, hoping for more casualties?” Janus inquired.

“It’s better than hell.”